Positive Anger Skills – Be A Gentle, Loving Person Even When You Are Mad

Author: Lynne Namka, Ed. D.

How would you like to keep your calm even when you are angry? Interested? Analyze your own skill level with dealing with uncomfortable feelings. Much of how we react when angry is learned behavior. You can unlearn old nasty behaviors and learn new positive anger skills.

These angry feelings and behaviors are very, very complex. They can be broken down into many sub skills that you can practice daily. The more skill you have to deal with your mad feelings, the better equipped you will be to live in our chaotic world.

Take the following quiz to find out how many positive anger skills you use regularly. Practice the skills you do not have until they become part of your daily repertoire.

To Release Current and Old Anger in Effective Ways

___ To displace anger symbolically when it is not safe to express it directly.
___ To use positive displacement of anger and refrain from negative displacement.
___ To break into self-angering thoughts.

To Learn Assertive Ways of Dealing with Threat

___ To stand up and speak assertively when threatened.
___ To say No, state boundaries and Bottom Line and leave if boundaries are not respected.
___ To shield against the negative energy of name calling and ridicule.
___ To take care of self when others fight. (It’s not my problem. It’s a grownup problem.)
___ To break into dissociative states of fear and numbing out.
___ To use techniques of self soothing when upset.

To Learn to Contain Excessive Anger

___ To learn to discriminate between big and little deals. (Don’t sweat the small stuff.)
___ To realize and accept that you Don’t always get what you want. (Break into entitlement)
___ To learn to identify irrational thoughts and statements that fuel anger.
___ To break into self-angering thoughts and use cool down thoughts.
___ To learn to analyze and correct mistakes instead of beating yourself up.
___ To use Thought Stoppage techniques to interrupt intrusive, negative thinking.
___ To keep cool when others are trying to push your buttons.
___ To take Time Out when overheated during an argument and then return to problem solve.

To Observe Rather than Over React to Threatening Events

___ To learn to observe and identify body reactions, emotions and thoughts during threat.
___ To use observation of physiological cues to break into anger or fear responses.
___ To find and express sadness, confusion and hurt that may lie under the anger.
___ To analyze the threatening event and identify and break into triggers.
___ To bridge current angers back to old unresolved childhood issues.
___ To stay present in the threat of danger rather than lashing out or stuffing anger.
___ To change the self-angering or self-depreciating meanings given to threatening events.
___ To make self empowering statements showing resilience.

To Channel Anger Into Constructive Action

___ To identify and name feelings and use the “I formula” when appropriate
___ To speak feelings appropriately when feeling threatened but refrain when it’s not safe.
___ To deal with others who discount feelings and do not want to listen.
___ To express anger in safe and productive ways that increase self esteem.
___ To change anger constructively to MAD–Make A Difference

To Learn to Feel Empathy and Respect Others

___ To listen to others when they are upset.
___ To recognize and refrain from actions that are hurtful to others.
___ To stop blaming others under conditions of stress.
___ To take responsibility for one’s own actions and wrong doings.
___ To refrain from sarcasm, name calling, egg-ons and put downs.
___ To see things from the other person’s perspective.
___ To observe the effect of one’s actions upon others and express sorrow for hurting others.
___ To treat others with respect and altruism.