Ask the Lady Who Knows About Mads
Author: Lynne Namka, Ed. D.
Dear Angries Out Lady:
I am 13 years old and I am having my case aide send this for me because I live in foster care and I don’t have a computer. I have been reading your letters on the computer at the library and they are very helpful. Since I started reading your letters a month ago I have not gotten into trouble. I use to get in fights a lot,and it got me into detention, but I am learning to control my anger when kids tease me. There is still one kid who really bugs me. He teases me and throws things at me in school. Sometimes I just feel like hitting him. What can I to do to make him stop bugging me? He will be in my school again next year. It’s so hard to ignore him! Please write back.
M. P. from N.D.
Dear M. P. from N. D.
I’m glad you are getting a handle on your anger. Here is something from my book, The Doormat Syndrome that I’ve adapted for you and other boys and girls who feel bugged and react to the bugging.
Bug Proof Yourself: Putting Up Your Shield
Triggers to being teased happen because you have not learned to shield yourself from negative energy from others. When people feel bad inside, they try to make others feel bad also by calling them ugly names. They want to throw their negative energy on you! You can learn to put up an imaginary invisible shield to prevent others from getting you.
To prepare mentally for name-calling, visualize yourself putting up a shield for self-protection. Choose the type of shield that fits you best. Your armor may be made of heavy metal, gold, silver, clear acrylic, or it may be made of a gossamer fabric. Choose the material that will provide the best protection from acid remarks. The shield will allow helpful information to get through. The shield protects your only from blame, unjust criticism and remarks and cuss words like ³@, %, #, etc.² You don’t want to block out feedback that is helpful to you.
Use the imaginative powers of your mind to place the shield in front of you and feel how safe and secure you are. Nothing can penetrate the shield unless you allow it come through. Notice how your skin is becoming thicker, acting as a second shield so that you choose what is allowed into your mind and body.
Now visualize a petty tyrant (a bully) calling you names and trying to unnerve you. View the words coming out of his mouth as negative energy. See how it moves through the air toward you as a negative choice which you can make choices. Visualize it as arrows, spears and rocks coming at you.
The negative energy signals you to put up your shield. You are safe from the verbal insults of others as long as your choose to be protected by the shield of your mind. See the slurs and slings fall off your shield, keeping you free from the negative energy.
See how the angry remarks fall to the ground, go around you, over your head, or bounce back to the speaker. Imagine him disarmed, being caught in a barrage of his own doing. See yourself standing straight and tall, proud of your accomplishment of deflecting negative energy.
Remember that anger is sometimes used to instruct as an attempt to change your behavior. Being the wise person that you are, decide to look behind the anger to see if there is a message for you. Allow any information that is needed to penetrate your shield. This is a very clever shield. It can discriminate between what is good for you to hear and what needs to be discarded.
See and feel your shield coming up when you spot someone who wants to hurt you. Remember, he or she feels bad inside so they want to make you feel bad. That is how feeling badness inside is passed from one person to another.
Practice different versions of confrontations with different difficult people over and over in your mind with your shield up. Of course since you are making up the story, make yourself the hero or heroine who is stronger than anything that is thrown at you verbally.
Then practice with a partner who throws cotton balls or Nerf balls at you saying the ugly words that have triggered you in the past. Knock the balls away when they come at you and say, “I’m not that.” Or you can dodge the ugly word triggers‹-just don’t let them get into you.
If the ball of ugly words hits you, remember your thick skin and just let the ball fall away. Don’t let it stick to you. You decide if you want to take ugly negative energy from others who do not feel good about themselves into your body and heart and let it wound you OR if you let it bounce off you. You are in charge of what you take into your mind and body.
Deflect any negative energy in the form of word and see how the other person is
- Trying to hurt you with negative words (bullies)
- Trying to teach you with negative words (usually adults such as parents)
Good luck with this. Your letter is very important for others to read. If the letters have helped you, why not let me add your letter to the collection. Write me back with a made up name or initial and your case aide’s okay.
Peace,
The Lady Who Knows About Mads
The Lady Who Knows About Mads,
I am YK…I am 14. I sometimes feel very angry when the internet do not work at the speed expected. I shout, scream, hit the keyboard hard. This irritates my parents and the conflict starts. I always talk to them but they keep telling me to shut up. This irritates and make me wanna shout!
Another problem is that I get irritated and angry at my UNREASONABLE ART TEACHER. My art wasn’t good and I usually do my best but she kept complaining and think that was my worse or something, just not the best! I always feel like killing her, beat her up etc. She is about the most hated teacher. Even the people whose art are good hate her.
I am a Christian but not my parents or family. My mother allowed me to go for church activities (services, camps etc.) but I am afraid when I tell her about this, she will get angry and I will get irritated and flare up. And I believe she will persecute me. Can you advise me on all my problems?
YK
Dear YK,
Learning about anger is always to the first step. So congrats for getting yourself to the learning place. Anger is a normal emotion that you can learn to express in safe ways that do not hurt you or others.
Okay you have a short fuse. You have a large amount of internal frustration that blows when things go wrong for you. Why? You have an unrealistic expectation that life should go easy and that sets you up to blow.
Expectation that things should always go well + high emotional arousal + the right to scream and yell = a hot temper!
How about changing your expectation? Things break. Things go wrong. People are unreasonable. You don’t get what you want. Remember Murphy’s Law–thing will go wrong if they can. Prepare yourself to live with this concept of stuff happens and get used to it.
Life is not fair. It is terribly unfair. Get used to it. When you take the philosophy that you will suffer injustice at times, but you are mature enough to deal with it, you can be a happier person.
It will help if you let go of the idea that you have to shout when you are irritated. Venting always makes the problem worse. You may feel better temporarily, but nothing changes and you feel worse inside. Your job is to learn to deal with the frustration by talking yourself though it.
There are many other things you can do when you start to feel the burn inside. Here are some Adaptive Coping Skills to use when you are angry:
- Problem Solving with Friends
- Exercise
- Music
- Confront Others/Share Feelings using the “I formula”
- Distract with Pleasurable Events/Hobbies
- Deep Breathing and taking your breath to the hot spots in your body
- Writing /Journaling
- Observe/Contain Anger: Just watch what your body is doing. Be more interested in learning about your physiological reaction than the injustice of the situation.
- Confront Self Negative Verbal Statements Watch the negative thoughts in your mind. Break into these thoughts that you are being wronged and you must explode about it.
Perhaps the best thing you can do is to empower yourself with Resilience Statements:
- I will get through this!
- I’m in charge here.
- My out-of-control anger is not in charge.
- I catch myself when I’m complaining and notice how it makes me angry.
- Even though my teacher is unreasonable, I don’t have to let it ruin my day.
- I choose to calm myself down. I’m in charge here and I cool myself off.
In other words, be the bigger person. You be in charge of your thoughts that set you off.
Peace to you,
The Lady Who Knows About Mads
Dear Lady,
I’m 15 years old…and me and my best friend for 4 years got mad at each other over some stupid thing. so now we are not talking and he wrote me a note saying that our friendship was fake and that I’m childish. i kind of agree with him on the childish part but not on the our friendship being fake. i put my heart into that friendship. he also said that he’s not even sad that we don’t talk. it doesn’t even hurt him. it hurts me and i told him that. but i haven’t gotten a response from him yet. he also said that he would’ve been better off with his first friends at school. now hes become everything that he said he didn’t like. I’m confused and sad. i don’t know what to do. i tried to apologize but i don’t think it worked.
you can just call me Shy.
Dear Shy,
Friendships often break up due to childish behavior and then people get angry. Under the anger is hurt and sadness. You are in touch with your emotions. Maybe it is time for you to look at your childishness so that you can learn from this and grow some.
Some relationships do not last forever. Best friends do change. Teen friendships are often like that. Young people are changing and growing at different rates. Different interests and values pull you apart and anger is the emotion that people use to move apart. If you learn from the friendship and what did not work, you come out ahead however, painful the loss.
He probably can’t get past his hurt and can’t hear your apology. You might try one more time saying you are sorry for the exact thing he objected to. You also might show him your letter and this one if you think it might help. If he doesn’t respond the way you want, you just have to let it go. Look around for new friends.
I wish you peace,
The Lady Who Knows About Mads
Dear Lady,
This boy he hits me and he acts like a little jerk to me his name is J.D. He is a big bully. I don’T like him. He is a very mean to me please help me please
p.S. I am very angry. I hate him. And I take it out on people .
Your friend .J .F .D .L .W.
Dear .J .F .D .L .W
We all have a bit of the bully in us. That is probably why you take it out on other people.
Some boys can be really mean when they see that what they do upsets you. Learn to see him as a bothersome gnat that you do not respond to. Stand straight and tall when he is around and act like a powerful person. Breathe deeply and tell yourself that nothing he says will bother you. You are the bigger person and are invincible. Put a shield or force field around yourself that he can not penetrate with any ugly worlds. If he calls you names, act bored and say ‘Whatever’ and walk away. Stay away from him on the playground.
Go to my article under Anger Management/Grownups and read the article,’Just Poke It.’ Then do it many times about being hurt, embarrassed, angry and upset over what he says to you. Poke your anger away.
Peace,
The Lady Who Knows About Mads
yo
Im 16 yrs old and extremely angry. In June, I wrote my lover who is one year younger than me an email because I was bothered that he wasn’t the same person he used to be. He wasn’t making any effort for me anymore. I would always have to go to him, he would never come to me. I was frustrated at myself for being unable to cheer him up. The email was the ultimate thing. I explained all my feelings but then I also called him a selfish egotistical idiot. Then, on AIM, he signed on and didn’t talk to me, so out of rage, I told one of his friends to tell him we were over. That ruined everything.
I’m angry at my friends who think they understand but dont. I’m angry over the fact that I help so many people but people don’t know how to help me. I’m angry at god for sending me an angel and then making him hate me. I’m angry at my parents for not being so fricken stiff that I can’t tell them anything. I’m angry at myself for loving him in the first place. He’s not exactly good looking, hes not exactly the most outgoing person, hes a bit queer, hes a year younger and i screwed up my perception and made myself think he was perfect.
I really truly loved him. I’m frustrated over the fact that I must analyze everything over and over again and it never gets me anywhere. I’m frustrated over the fact that I can’t read his mind to know if he really does truly hate me, or i just extremely hurt him. I tire myself from all of this.
btw thanx for creating an angries out website
-me and u do have permission to post my letter
Dear me,
Relationships at 15 and 16 are so hard because you are still learning how to do them. Nothing stays the same as it does when you first get together. People change their feelings and their behavior. Still, relationships are made for learning and the best thing you can do is learn from this and move on.
My advice–NEVER, NEVER send emails when you are angry. You can write them in a file but hold off for 48 hours before you send them. I often tell people to write the angry letter three times. First as mad as you can be in size 18+ Bold letters. Do not send it! Delete this or tear it up. Then write again, in size 14 letters still Bold. Again, do not send it. Then write in size 12 or 10 and not bolded. Hold this one for 48 hours before you send it. Or don’t send it–just write it for yourself.
What happens is that the anger drains out of you with the three writings of the same letter. You get down to other feelings which usually are of hurt and disappointment.
Okay, try this anger reduction technique. I know this exercise sounds weird, but do it anyway.
Say, “Even though I’m mad, I forgive myself.”
Start tapping on the top of your head and tap all over your scalp. Not hard, but briskly with all 10 fingers. Think of your bad feelings and take deep, deep breaths. Then go all over your face, forehead, between your eyes, outside of your eyes, cheekbones, around your ears and around your nose and chin. Breathe as if you are puffing and running up a hill.
Go down across your chest and tap back and forth in a Z pattern across your middle and stomach. Then tap in spirals around your wrists and ankles. Then end up tapping on your toes and the outsides and the insides of your feet. Keep thinking of your anger as you do this and visualize blowing the bad feelings out. Think of forgiving yourself as you tap.
Do this technique about your anger with yourself, your friends and parents. Do it over and over until your anger drains away.
Peace,
The Lady Who Knows About Mads
Hi, My name is David,
My cousin is a butt-head. He messes with all of my stuff. I want to beat him up. What do I do?
***
Hi David,
Well how old is your cousin? You put stuff up from a two or three year old. Older children can learn to leave things alone. Have you talked to him and made a deal that you will let him play with some of your things, but he is not supposed to use things without permission? Do you have neato things and he doesn’t so he wants to get into your stuff?
You have a right to keep your things safe. Do your parents support you in keeping your things away from him? Will they help you problem solve this family problem? Show this letter to the grownups in your family and make some rules that are fair to everyone.
No matter what the situation is, you are still responsible for getting your mads out is safe ways that do not hurt others or yourself.
Read under I Stop My Bully Behavior on my web site and find some things you can say to yourself to help with your mads. Beating someone up is Bully Behavior.
What do I want for myself?
_____ I want to stop responding quickly.
_____ I want to hold my temper.
_____ I want to be in charge here.
_____ I’m in control. I make good choices.
What Helper Words can I use to keep my cool the next time?
_____ I can be a bigger guy and let this anger pass.
_____ I don’t have to respond with hurting him. I’m in charge here.
_____ I’ll breathe instead of acting out my mads.
_____ I use my firm, fair words instead of being mean to him.
_____ I can stop my bully behavior and deal with him straight forward.
On my website open the page listed under Anger Management/FOR GROWNUPS called – Just Poke It. Follow the directions given on this page about helping you tap anger away. Keep doing it until you can’t come up with any more reasons for being angry at your cousin. Then go back the next day and do it again.
Keep working on getting your mads out in safe ways.
The Lady Who Knows About Mads
HI
my name is D. and im seventeen years old, and im very angry. Im angry at the world itself mostly. For taking away my best friend and separating me from my current one, im mad because of my mothers life decisions and how im not apart of them, im angry because i have to live with this facial scarring and most of all these dreams keep haunting me and the urge to hurt people is becoming bigger and bigger.
I dont want to go on like this but there is something that seems so satisfying in smacking someone down, and i know i can do it. Generally i release my violence in playfighting against guys, but thats just punching and kicking, i want to move onto something productive, like axe swinging, as my mum used to let me do when i was 6, on the old tree stump out the back.
Yours sincerely
D.
Dear D,
It is good that you wrote to me and that you are seeking help. Sounds as if you have had a rough time of it in life with things happening to you that were not under your own control. You have reason to be angry. I’d like to validate your angry feelings. Things have not been fair in your life. You have suffered some significant losses.
Under your anger is disappointment in adults and hurt. And grief for your losses friends, family and the facial scarring. These emotions need to be explored so that they can be lessened and released.
Wanting to hurt someone when you are angry is revenge hurting others, as you have been hurt. This is a defense mechanism the mind goes into to try to avoid the pain. Anger is to be explored and figured out and learning to express it in ways that do not hurt yourself or others.
Revenge fantasies can have a satisfying feeling to them, but that is psuedo satisfaction. Short termed and does not address the real problem. Revenge, acted out in real life, only causes more suffering to you and to others. Read my School Violence report on my web site on how a person’s mind can narrow the solution to one’s pain down to. Like suicide to get away from one’s pain, hurting others is not a solution that works. It only makes things worse.
Acting out your anger such as chopping wood, pounding a punching bag or working out in a gym does help some what. This is called catharsis. Violent motions can release SOME of the feelings temporarily, so they do help. But this method is limited as it does not get to the source of the problem, nor help you understand the depth of your problems.
The only way through this is to go through it. Hopefully with someone of wisdom who can help you sort out the confusion and trauma in your life. Someone who can acknowledge your pain and feelings of revenge, but insist that you not get stuck in victim thinking. There are good people who can help you do this and show you how to hold your head up high and have a successful life. You can’t get through this alone, in my opinion.
You will have to search for these people who believe in you and your making something out of this confusion. I like the therapists who are trained in Energy Psychology finding them to be introspective and productive in helping people release strong emotions. Look on my web site for Finding a Competent Therapist.
So you only get one life. Make it the best one you can by reaching out to wise people who believe in you and can help you learn to believe in yourself.
The Lady Who Knows About Mads