Treating the Universal Wounding Beliefs of Being Abandoned
Author: Lynne Namka, Ed. D.
When we have unhealed wounds inside, we carry those with us and view the world through those lenses. Examining and facing your insecurity and abandonment issues is one of the most frightening and gut-wrenching things you can do, but it will give you great payoffs in living a happy life in the long run. Feelings of rawness and shakiness that come up when you start to look at abandonment issues are challenging to address because we’ve trained ourselves to run away from them. It is much easier to keep using the defenses of denial, blaming others, distraction, addictions and the hordes of other things we do to avoid that vulnerability and shame. But then the wounds never heal.
We have many new marvelous therapy approaches to assist with our healing. Using a variety of them, we can release those old fears, insecurities, traumas and mistaken identity ideas. The Energy Psychology techniques which help release deep feelings of insecurity and shame are based on the fact that we are body, mind and spirit. They challenge the cognitive errors and misbeliefs that we picked up in childhood. Any of the Energy Psychology techniques can be used to release the emotional impact of separation at birth, many of which operate at the unconscious level.
Other techniques that engage the body as well as the mind can help such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, Somatic Experiencing, Hakomi and Dialectical Behavior Therapy. The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) lends itself quite nicely to release these issues even though there are no memories around the beliefs. It can be used to release memories and feelings buried deep in the unconscious mind, even those that happened before the child gained language. The EFT tapping procedure can be found on YouTube or my Anger Management category of this website. The tapping points are also shown on dummies.com.
I also like Collarbone Breathing Technique (see the instructions below) for deep core issues. The other Energy Psychology approaches work as well. You can see one of mine called The Five Element Meridian Release Technique at the Anger Management category of this website.
Or as an alternative, do random tapping all over your body. Doing random tapping will hit the major acupressure points that are associated with releasing the different emotions that are stuck. Just start tapping at the back of your neck and tap across your head and down your arms and legs and the rest of the body while doing deep breathing.
Here are negative beliefs that I’ve heard in my private psychology practice over the years. Read the following statements about being abandoned or different from others to see if you feel that any of them resonate with you. If you do, there is something unresolved underneath. Use these sentences to tap through old mistaken ideas of not being worthy.
As Gary Craig, the founder of EFT said, “Do the tapping. It can’t hurt and it just might help.” After all what do you have to lose except a few minutes of your time? You will be surprised how much better you feel after doing some of this exercise!
Tapping Statements for Deep Wounds of the Psyche
The old programs hidden deep in the unconscious mind can be challenged and released with loving intention with energy psychology techniques. We are such complex individuals and have individual differences so the list is long. Find the ones that strike a chord with you to be processed through tapping on the statements. Check off the ones that apply to you and break the list up and do five or ten at a time or until you feel you need to take a break and come back later. Sit quietly afterwards, drink a glass of water and let the new wisdom sink in about how you were a loving child caught in a situation where the adults were hurting themselves. You will feel better each time you do this technique.
Use the Set Up formula “Even though, _____, I deeply and profoundly forgive myself and I was a good baby or kid.”
Do the list a second and third time and say “Even though _____, “I am worthy and deserve love as I am lovable.” Note the ideas that do not clear as these may need deep processing in therapy.
_____ I felt helpless, hopeless, lonely and empty when younger,
_____ I may have been left alone in my crib for some time experiencing loss, lonely and abandonment,
_____ I cried and cried when _____ and no one came to comfort me,
_____ I wasn’t heard as a child because _____,
_____ I had to fend for myself because my parent(s) were too busy for me,
_____ I desperately wanted someone to look after me,
_____ I was so lonely as a child and desperate for love,
_____ I felt great anguish and loss when,
_____ I could never relax at home as a child because _____,
_____ At times no one was there for me when I felt hurt and lonely and needed love,
_____ There was a psychic wound that affected my sense of trust, anxiety and self-love,
_____ I suffered deep physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual wounds,
_____ I suffered such confusion and developed an identity crisis,
_____ I felt/knew that it was unfair that_____,
_____ I withdrew to keep from being hurt further,
_____ I felt different from other members of my family,
_____ There is a big hole inside that I don’t know how to fill up,
_____ I felt like the odd one in my family because _____,
_____ I was told that I was the bad one in the family; I was scapegoated by _____,
_____ I didn’t feel wanted or accepted by my sibling _____,
_____ I froze in terror as a child when _____,
_____ My parent threatened to abandon me when I acted out,
_____ My mother or father did not want me or like me,
_____ My mother was angry that she had me,
_____ My mother/father was depressed and could not meet my needs,
_____ My mother/father was an alcoholic and could not be there for me,
_____ My mother or father looked at me with disgust and contempt,
_____ My mother/father was cold and did not have nurturing instincts,
_____ My mother/father turned a cold shoulder,
_____ My mother/father/sibling /relative called me names and verbally abused me,
_____ My mother/father/sibling/relative hit and beat me,
_____ I felt such confusion, sorrow, grief and loss that part of my soul seemed to be missing,
_____ I felt such anger and rage that part of my soul seemed to be missing,
_____ I felt that I might die from loneliness and a sense of impending annihilation,
_____ I developed a theme of needing to be rescued,
_____ I felt trapped as a child because or when _____, _____ I felt depressed and had difficulties in relationships with _____,
_____ I developed emotional and behavior problems due to conflicted beliefs and feelings,
_____ I coped to deal with pain by acting out, becoming defiant, withdrawing or being submissive,
_____ I still feel intense unresolved grief and anger at _____,
_____ I regressed to a younger child at times when _____,
_____ I gave up and stopped being motivated to do well,
_____ I have over identified with the trauma-driven self,
_____ I harbor deep shame because of the way I was treated,
_____ I feel like I am not adequate or worthy,
_____ I feel I am unlovable,
_____ I believe that I am bad, inadequate or unworthy,
_____ I feel that I am not deserving of love and abundance,
Whew! What a list of the possibilities for not feeling connected to others and feeling unimportant and left out. Yet each of these unfortunate situations turned into beliefs of being unworthy and undeserving of love for the child–beliefs that can be challenged and changed.
Don’t get overwhelmed. You are still the same person you were with your ways of coping before you read the list. Now you have the understanding of what made you feel the way you do. Now you can start to undo the beliefs that keep you stuck. Just take any issue from the list and work it until it no longer triggers you.
Much of my writings explain psychological concepts to people. But explanation and insight are only half the undoing of psychic wounds. Insight is not enough. You must do the work by using release techniques. You can neutralize old beliefs that you are not good enough or do not deserve love. You can release what is no longer needed in your life with the new Energy Psychology approaches. Having tapped out so many of my issues using these techniques and becoming a calmer, wiser woman, I set the loving intention for our hurting world for all people to learn these new, fast, magnificent approaches to healing. So do the exercise above even if you don’t believe in it. You will feel better!
If you had an abusive, neglectful or narcissistic mother, consider reading Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward and The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. When you are triggered by an idea in the book, tap and breathe your way through it. One courageous woman told me, “I was stuck until I looked at my childhood pain. It took me a year to get through The Drama of the Gifted Child. I tapped and cried all the way through it as I realized how much of myself I gave away as a child to survive being raised by my mother. A year later I read it again and found how much healing I had done. There were still issues to work through, but I had grown so much.”
If you give yourself away to others and have codependency issues, read my book The Doormat Syndrome. Read books on emotional manipulation. Again, if you are triggered by an idea in a book, tap and breathe until you find a sense of release and relief. You deserve to be a whole person living your values and finding good and loving people to surround you.